I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
