dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
