Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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