I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
