I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
