He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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