Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize