Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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