So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize