we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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