i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
