Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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