this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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