Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
