rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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