you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
