ya dads aren't the best wingmen
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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