I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
