im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
