Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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