i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
