do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Semen is not good for contacts.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
