Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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