just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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