i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
