I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
