so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
