bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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