Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
