This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
