Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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