Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
