we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
only you would photoshop your dick
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
