I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
