I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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