Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
