I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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