You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
