guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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