just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
