I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
