just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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