I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
it was like eating out sand paper
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
