he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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