Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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