Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
