My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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