found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
