theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He felt like a one man threesome
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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