By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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