I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
