just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Drake has all the answers
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
