My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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