Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
