Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
