I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
