The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
