Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
