Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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